How OCD Affects Romantic Relationships

By Logan Smlth, PhD – North Star Psychology

Note: this article was written by an outside guest author, and the information / views provided may not reflect the opinions or views of Váthos Counseling. Questions about this article should be directed towards its author.

OCD doesn’t just live in someone’s head. It shows up in routines, in conversations, and often, in the spaces between two people. For people in romantic relationships, OCD can quietly become the third member—shaping decisions, feeding fears, and pulling both partners into its rituals. If left unrecognized, it can create confusion, tension, and distance.

The impact isn’t limited to one kind of OCD. Whether someone struggles with contamination fears, intrusive thoughts about harm, perfectionism, scrupulosity, or obsessive doubts about the relationship itself, OCD often finds a way to thread itself into the most intimate parts of daily life.

Here’s a look at how this plays out, and what can help.

1. Reassurance Seeking and Shared Rituals

One of the most common ways OCD shows up in relationships is through excessive reassurance seeking. This isn’t the occasional “Are you okay?” or “Do you still love me?” Instead, it’s a constant, anxiety-driven need to check and confirm.

Depending on the theme of the OCD, this might look like:

• “Did I say something wrong just now?”

• “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

• “Is it safe to touch you after what I touched?”

• “Promise me again that everything’s fine.”

Additionally, sometimes people with OCD will use their romantic partners to avoid certain things, or to perform rituals on behalf of them. This might look like:

• “Can you please wipe down the groceries for me?”

• “Could you Google this for me?”

• “Please drive instead of me so I don’t have to circle the block again and again.”

• “Are you sure that you locked the door? Please take a picture of the door lock before you leave.”

Partners often get pulled into these loops without realizing what’s happening. They answer the question, give the hug, offer the reassurance—but it doesn’t stick. The OCD doesn’t let it. Over time, the partner may feel drained, responsible for managing the other person’s anxiety, or even guilty for feeling overwhelmed.

Some couples also fall into shared rituals, like checking locks together, repeating certain phrases before bed, or avoiding certain people or places “just to be safe.” These behaviors might seem small, but they often grow in complexity and become increasingly time-consuming.

2. Contamination OCD and Physical Intimacy

For people with contamination fears, romantic closeness can feel threatening. Even a simple touch might be loaded with meaning: Was it clean? Was it safe? What if I get them sick?

These fears can lead to avoidance: avoiding sex, avoiding kissing, or even avoiding physical presence altogether. Or they may lead to elaborate post-contact rituals: washing, changing clothes, cleaning shared spaces. The partner may not fully understand the logic behind these behaviors, but they often feel the emotional wall that’s been built.

Over time, these rituals can start to feel more powerful than the relationship itself.

3. “Just Right” OCD and Emotional Connection

Some people with OCD struggle with the feeling that things have to be exactly right: emotionally, physically, or otherwise. They might have to step on something with their right foot if they accidentally stepped on something with their left foot first. They might have to always pass a lamp post on their left side. They might have to re-tie their shoes again and again until it feels “right.” Often, they’ll pull their partner into these rituals as well, asking them to re-do something, or go back and do something differently, or avoid something altogether.

This creates a strange tension. The partner might feel like they’re constantly trying to hit a moving target, unsure why something small has turned into something big.

4. Harm OCD and Fear of Hurting the One You Love

People with harm-related obsessions may experience unwanted, intrusive thoughts about hurting their partner: physically, emotionally, or sexually. These thoughts are horrifying to the person experiencing them, and they don’t reflect intent or desire. But because OCD targets what matters most, these themes are often especially intense in romantic relationships.

The person may withdraw, confess thoughts constantly, or avoid certain situations out of fear they might lose control. The partner, if unaware of what’s happening, may feel rejected or alarmed by the intensity of the distress.

5. Scrupulosity and Moral Over-Analysis

In relationships, scrupulosity (moral or religious OCD) often shows up as over-analyzing interactions, emotions, or intentions. Someone might obsess over whether they were honest enough, whether they were sexually pure, or whether they’ve crossed some invisible ethical line. They may confess things their partner wasn’t even concerned about or seek approval over minor decisions.

What feels like honesty to one person may feel like compulsive self-policing to the other. Plus, without context, it’s easy to misinterpret.

What Helps

OCD can absolutely put strain on a romantic relationship, but it doesn’t have to break it. The key is understanding what OCD is (and isn’t) and learning to work with the anxiety instead of around it.

Here’s what helps:

• Evidence-based treatment: Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) remains the gold standard for treating OCD and can dramatically reduce how often it interferes with relationships.

• Education: When both partners understand the mechanics of OCD, they can start to spot the rituals, name the patterns, and create a more supportive dynamic.

• Boundaries: Learning how (and when) to avoid giving reassurance is a hard skill, but it’s a necessary one. A trained therapist can help couples find the balance between compassion and accommodation.

At North Star Psychology, we specialize in helping people with OCD (and the people who love them) get their lives back from anxiety. If your relationship is being impacted by OCD, therapy can help you both breathe again. Contact us anytime for a free consultation by calling 205-797-1897 or emailing info@NorthStarPsyc.com.

OCD can control so much of your life. Let us help you take back control.